Have any of you ever heard of an “I love me” book? I’m sure many of my veteran friends have. For anyone that hasn’t heard of this concept, trust me I didn’t make it up. It’s really a thing in the military.
So, what is it? Well conceptually, the “I love me” book is supposed to be a place where you store and document your military accomplishments. Almost everything that you do in the military is documented on a piece of paper. Physical fitness test? Documented. Given a new assignment? Documented. Assigned to another duty station? Documented. Earn an award? Good for you! You get a medal AND a piece of paper. It’s all documented.
I used to laugh when I thought about it all. First, it’s the 21st century...can’t we just file all of this electronically? Why kill so many trees? Secondly, why did I need to keep a book about myself? Just to show off all that I’d accomplished? Wasn’t that a little vain? Yes, I used to think that concept was comical. Used to that is.... but not anymore.
When I left the military in February of 2012, I told myself that I would never look back. I’m kind of an all or nothing sort of guy you know? And once I left the military, I did my best to ensure that my desire for that lifestyle quickly went away. At least outwardly anyway. What everyone saw was a guy that moved halfway across the country and started an exciting new life. I made friends, found my stride in my new career, and started the life that I was supposed to live. That’s what I projected. Life was good!
Internally however, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Mentally, I knew that I’d made the right decision because at the end of my military career I loathed going to work every day. I needed a change of scenery. But emotionally, I was struggling. As I said, I’m generally an all or nothing kind of guy. Either I’m in, and I give true effort, or I’m out and the results show. I battled with the discipline and the monotony of the military. I hated the politics and the inability to stand out. But I loved my soldiers and my responsibility to lead them. I loved the progress that I’d made and rank I’d achieved. I loved my fitness. More than anything I loved my potential. You see, I hated a lot of things that the military put me through but I loved the result. I loved ME! And what I realized when I left the military (which many won’t admit) is that as much as I disliked certain things about the Army, I found myself identifying with Captain Stith more than I did with Ray. For years, I was lost.
I didn’t know who I was so I did everything that I could to gain the admiration of others. I guess I thought that if everyone else loved me that it would be enough. Sounds silly now when I write it, but that was my mindset. I can’t stop shaking my head as I write this. It’s both funny and sad at the same time.
Sometimes, after you’ve weathered the storm, the most painful things in life can create the most joy. In a time where I constantly sought out the admiration of others to fill a void in my life, the person that (at the time) I wanted it from the most completely rejected it. It was a pain that I’d never felt. For a moment, the void that I was trying to fill with everyone else’s love, felt like it was the size of the ocean.
I remember sitting on the bedroom floor of my apartment in a complete daze. I had a TV stand at the foot of my bed. It was filled with all kinds of stuff, mostly junk. It was supposed to just hold the cable box, but I would put things there every now and then and eventually it was just a place where things ended up. Ok that day, on the second shelf, I saw my “I love me” book. Thinking about that day makes me smile even at this moment. Naturally, I opened it. The first thing in it was the program from my change of command ceremony. It took me back for a second. It was a swift reminder. I was that guy. That dude. The one who had the potential. The one that accomplished those things. I was the guy who went all in on HIMSELF and loved who he was because of it. That’s the day my never-ending journey started. That’s the day that I promised myself that while I would always seek the admiration of others (I think that’s human nature) no one else would ever determine how much I love myself. Because we all need love to be the best version of ourselves, but nobody else can love you as much as you can love yourself.
I never claim to know a lot, but I’ve found that the best version of me comes out when I take the time to appreciate the person that I am. On good days and bad days, I still have the potential to do amazing things. So do you. We all do. So why not give yourself permission to be who you are with all of the glory that comes with it? The first step in becoming who you want to be is loving who you are. Take it from me, all of the love in the world can’t replace the love that you have to have for yourself. I’ve tried to go that route. You may travel farther than I could, but I can assure you that it’s a dead end.
You know I don’t laugh at the idea of an “I love me” book anymore. While I ended up getting rid of my book (physically) it’s never left me mentally. It’s a challenge to love yourself everyday but it’s worth the effort. Self-love is the highest form of accomplishment. It tells the world that you’ve harnessed the ability to overlook the imperfections in order to see masterpiece. You’ve realized that who you are today is only a snapshot of who you can eventually become. It’s proof that in a world of overindulgence, you are enough. Self-love is real. Self-love is necessary. Self-love is the best love. Before you pour into anyone else, make sure your cup is full. Love yourself.
