I should not be awake right now.
It’s 3:40am, and I am in my two-year-old son’s room as he cries in his bed for mommy and daddy. Even though it’s the middle of the night, I can’t help but to find humor in it. His room is upstairs and near the front of the house. Our room is downstairs and near the back of the house. This kid literally screams as loud as he can until we hear him and come upstairs to his room. He’s got this down to a science. He’s not sick. He has no injuries. It’s not too hot or cold. His diaper does not need to be changed. No, he does not need any of these things that most parents check when they hear the cries of their young child. Instead, he just wants to be comforted. You see, that’s what he’s used to. It’s the fourth night in a row of him waking up in the middle of the night but my wife and I are used to this. It’s been our dance since he was born. Every now and then when people ask about our son, we will describe him as “not a very good sleeper.” It makes me smile as I type that because we all know the real problem.... and I’ll give you a hint...it’s not him.
For the first six months of his life my son slept in our room. First, in his bassinet and then in his pack and play. With every move he made we would rush to his side. No matter the issue, mom and dad were right there. At six months, we moved him upstairs to his room but ensured that the baby monitor was set up and always on. Every night, he would fall asleep in my arms before I put him in his crib. And just like when he was in our room, any move that he made we were right upstairs to comfort him. And each and every time, he’d fall asleep in someone’s arms.
The routine was pretty standard. We put him to bed and then get our daughter upstairs to her room. Then we would take a moment to relax as parents. Finally, we do the things that we need to do to prepare for the next day and get ourselves ready for bed. This led to our son having a one or two hour head start on anyone else in the house when it came to his rest. Then he’d wake up in the middle of the night, waking both my wife and I up, one of us would go upstairs and help him get back to sleep. An hour later that person comes back downstairs and does their best to not wake the other one up and get whatever rest is possible before the alarm goes off. This happens multiple times per week. As you can imagine, the end result is two parents that are not very well rested with no end in sight.
This has been quite the adventure in parenting. In reflecting on this we tell ourselves that “he’s only going to be young for a short time” and that we should “cherish every moment.” The reality is that these are both true statements but they mask the fact that we don’t want to face. The thing that we don’t want to say. WE are enablers right now.
He has the ability to comfort himself and find a way to get back to sleep if we let him. We know this. He is two years old and is a very smart little boy. But we are so focused on the short-term discomfort that allowing him to figure that out causes, that we can’t see the long-term gain that it will bring. It’s irrational I know, but that’s what happens when you’re dealing with people that you care about. Often, logic and rationale are thrown out of the window. We make excuses for our behavior, sometimes overlooking the things that we do that enable others.
So how about you? Are you being an enabler to anyone in your life? A child? A spouse? A sibling? A parent or family member? Are you enabling a friend or coworker? Is there someone in your life that you care about and desperately want to help, but if you look objectively at the situation you can see that you’re only hurting them in the long run by not allowing them to grow into the person that can handle it in their own? You may not be in that situation currently, but I’m sure many of us can point to something that resembles exactly what I’m talking about. What are you going to do about it? How are you going to ensure that the help you give today, has positive long-term outcomes for those that you love? As hard as it may be, if we truly want to help people, we need to give them the tools that they need to succeed throughout life, not just today. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. How can we stop enabling our loved ones and teach them to fish instead?
I am pretty sure that I haven’t slept through the night (fallen asleep and not gotten up until my alarm goes off) since my son was born. Whether I’m waking up to him calling for one or both of us, or not, my sleep cycle has become one that stops in the middle of the night and starts again an hour or so later. Without a serious and deliberate interruption to our current routine, that probably won’t change. We know we have to stop enabling our child. Even at two years old, there are opportunities to allow him to spread his wings a little. I’m sure we will get around to it eventually. This can’t go on forever. But for now, I’ll just step outside of his room as quietly as I can...he finally went back to sleep.
